Outside Our Door

Something there is that doesn't love a tree.....

There are times when the most harmless and innocent of elements can take on a destructive, counter-productive force within our operations. We do not expect it. It just happens. Witness the following saga of the tree outside of the Mashpee Pub. This is the part of the story where you learn that how one of Mother Nature's lovely creations can befoul and bedevil a well-meaning establishment. 
The tree existed, and there was a reaction to it, and we reacted in kind. It began like this:

Dear Mr. Byrne,

            My husband and our two sons (and their families) have been faithful patrons of your delightful Mashpee Pub for well over twenty years. I think our favorite aspect of the experience is sitting in the sidewalk café, on a balmy summer evening, enjoying our food, drinks, and watching the world go by.

            However, I feel I must point out a significant issue that we have had to deal with on many a past occasion. There are these terrible little brown things that fall from the tree near the front door that end up in our food, drinks, hair, etc. My granddaughter actually thought there was a bug in her chowder and refused to eat her meal, when actually it was the droppings from the tree by your front door.

            Again, we love your establishment, and do not intend to be complainers, but feel you need to be aware of this problem.

 Thank you and have a great season,

 Name Withheld

Medfield, Massachusetts


This required an investigation of the deciduous demon, and I  found it to be shedding throughout the outdoor café and the entrance to the pub

Building with tree and a caption saying 'evil, sardonic tree'

We contacted our landlord and he did have the tree trimmed, but alas, our problems persisted, which prompted the following letter from me:

Dear Mashpee Commons, 

I want to thank you for responding to the huge problem that we are suffering with the tree outside our door. I want you to know that we are appreciative of your efforts, unfortunately, your measures don't solve the problem for the following reason : you have chosen  a solution that is quantitative in nature and tried to apply it to a problem that is essentially qualitative in nature. You have reduced the mass of this tree by one third but two thirds remains to torment us and create the same situation we have been suffering all along for we yet experience this evil and mephetic spawn raining down and resting upon our tables, upon the customer. in their hair, on their clothes, and worst of all in their food. This odious debris gets in our ice, in the drinks, behind the bar, on the sales computer. It is blown inside the dining room, it corrupts any quality experience we are trying to provide to the customer, it thwarts our best efforts to get the job done in a professional manner. Additionally, when we have to send a plate of food back (which is not uncommon) we loose profit and also esteem when the customers ask why we don't do something about these matters.


I know that you may have affection for this tree but if you had to live with it for these many years you might alter your feelings. This is an evil tree and a sardonic one at that.Even Luther Burbank would have driven copper nails into this tree and crucified it as an affront to nature. Had Joyce Kilmer experienced this tree he would not only not have written "Trees", but would have instead invented the chain saw. I own a very good chain saw and would graciously offer to finish the job and this tree. I will not offer to remove the stump. We really don't need a tree at all in that space but if you insisted ,a pedestrian maple might do the job.


If all this current trouble is not enough the worst is yet to come as in the fall when millions of these small leaves fly into our dining room and into the bar when doors are opened. You may know that I try to talk to whatever gods may be and in a recent commune with the God of the Forest he declared, " Bobby, 86 it."


With affection,


We will continue to monitor this frightful and dreadful situation as we do not want critical issues like this to affect our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.